Rollie sighed deeply and hugged his knees closer. Seated on the floor, just inside, he looked out of the open doors of his home and watched the rain and lightning. The low rumble of thunder rolled over him. Water dripped from his brown hair, ignored. He wondered when it happened and why he hadn't seen, hadn't realized before. He, Rollie Tyler, had spent years looking for someone to share his life with and suddenly he realized he was in love. Well and truly in love. Deeply, madly in love. He smiled dreamily as he remembered the way she moved, her smile, her laugh, her scent, the feel of her hair, her skin - everything. Oh, when had he fallen so deeply? It was like he was falling forever. There was no pulling back from the edge, he was over it and falling more in love every day. The problem was... the problem was he had no idea what to do about it. She didn't love him, not the way he loved her, he was positive. He was a friend, well loved yes, but nothing more. She would never see him as a lover, a life companion, a husband, a father for her children. He sighed deeply. He was doomed. Salt joined the taste of rain drops in his mouth. Doomed.
After the storm moved on, Rollie mopped the floor, determined to erase any sign of his storm watching. He had learned about storm watching from his mother when he was little. She had told him once that it helped her think. He remembered sitting, snuggled to her side and watching and thinking as well. Afterwards, he would ask profound questions about why kangaroos hopped and kookaburras laughed. Questions his mum would solemnly answer. Now he had even more important profound questions, but she wasn't here to answer and he didn't know where to look. The one thing he knew was he couldn't ask his father. Advice on love from Dingo Tyler? Never in a million years!
Rollie supposed he could go talk to Leo, but Leo alive had been almost as hopeless as he was in matters of the heart. Why should Leo dead know any more? Unless, the dead got told things the living didn't know. Of course, Leo was somebody he could talk to, and share the burden as it were. Being the mate Leo was, he'd have never told Rollie's secrets while he was alive, he certainly wouldn't tell someone else now that he wasn't. Except, Rollie knew full well the dead didn't answer the living... at least not this living. He'd tried before and she hadn't answered him. Why should Leo?
Rollie put away the mop and went upstairs. He gathered up some dry clothes
and went to take a shower. For a moment, he stared at himself in the mirror.
Eyes miserable. Doomed. No answers and no hope of answers. How could he
live like this? So close and yet so far from what he wanted? Needed? How?
And yet, he had to be strong. Angie needed him. He couldn't just let go.
Hard, he thought and squeezed his eyes shut, it's just so hard!
How long can I pretend? How long will what I have be enough? Yet it had
to be! Rollie Tyler knew now, there was only one woman for him and
she didn't love him the way he loved her. He tasted the salt of his lonely
tears again. Enough! Rollie gave himself a hard shake. Water
splattered. Like a wet dog, he mused without humor. A dog? Maybe
he was a dog. Maybe that's why no one loved him the way he wanted...
Why she didn't love him the way he loved her... He started the shower
and began to pull off his wet clothes. Friends - that's all he ever ended
up being... just friends.
As the water pounded his back and he shampooed his hair, he continued thinking about it. Rollie decided he hated those two little words right now - just friends. Friends were important and he loved his dearly. In ways, they were his family, but he wanted more from life than this. It felt so... empty at times. Damn it! It wasn't fair. He didn't want to be just friends. He wanted more! He wanted... needed to give more!
Rollie remembered watching Francis with Sarah and his girls at the picnic Sunday. He was so... so happy, so full of life and love. Rollie envied him that. He wondered if Francis knew how lucky he was. And Rollie wondered if he could ever be that fortunate. He wondered how Leo had stood it... being alone so much. Of course, Leo was Leo and he wasn't. And Leo had Colleen. Then he wondered if Colleen had been content living like that, only occasionally spending time with Leo. Then he worried that he was getting... bitter. Struth, he certainly didn't want to be bitter! That would be even worse!
Rollie finished his shower and toweled dry. He considered his options as he did. Okay, whatever he did, he had to be out of the doldrums by the time Angie returned tomorrow. She wouldn't leave him alone if he wasn't, until he confessed all. Whether he wanted to confess or not. Ange was remarkably stubborn about such things. So what? He got drunk? Like that would solve anything! He'd just end up feeling worse. Nope. What else? Ignore it and hope it went away? Not likely. It was firmly planted in his brain and he wasn't going to get rid of it.
Talk to her? What was the saying? "Faint heart never won fair
lady." Rollie remembered that from a Disney cartoon. So... what? He took
advice from a movie? From a cartoon of all things? Especially a
Disney cartoon? Was his love strong enough to take the risk? The risk of
losing everything he now had on the off chance of... what? Life...
love... marriage... children... Was he strong enough? Was the love
he was feeling strong enough?
Rollie thought long and hard as he sat on the bed. Contemplating... possibilities. Okay, worse case... She ended up hating him and never wanted to see him again. What would he do then? Pack up and become a swaggie? Roaming the Outback with all of his belongings on his back? Well, he wouldn't be the first fool that ended up like that because of a woman and love. Okay... Was that the worse? He couldn't see himself dying because of it. Honestly, he couldn't. For a moment, Rollie panicked - maybe he wasn't as in love with her as much as he thought. But all he had to do was think of them together and he got the most idiotic smile on his face and this warmth filled him, head to toe. Rollie leaned back against the pillow and dreamily thought of life with her. He sighed deeply and contemplated their life together. Oh, he loved that word - together! Hmm... To. Get. Her. But he didn't want to get her... He wanted to love her. To share his life with her! For her to share her life with him. To make a home... The two of them, maybe one day, the three or four of them. He wondered what their children would be like... Whoa, slow down, Rollie reined his thoughts back in. Gettin' ahead of yourself now, aren't you? Get back on track here.... Possibilities... and consequences.
Okay. Rollie took a deep breath and forced himself back to his original
string of thought. Dying, him dying because of her. Nope. At least, not
because she rejected him. He could see his dying for her,
but not because of her. He also couldn't see her dying because
of it - his asking. No, he couldn't see that one. And that was the worst,
her dying. But was that the worst? Wouldn't it be worse if she
ended up unhappy? Because of him? Yes, Rollie decided that was the
worst thing he could do. Make her unhappy. So whatever he did, he
had to be... careful. He couldn't risk that one. So if he tried... if he
dared.... if he asked... he risked giving up his life here and his career
on the chance of... true happiness? Okay, that was trite and besides life
didn't dole out happy ever afters. Even if he was thinking about
taking the advice of a Disney fairy tale! There were ups and downs, highs
and lows in any life. But there could be love and laughter and fun and
tears and tragedy and... children. The best thing though, would be they
would be together! Oh how he wanted to be together with her!
All Rollie had to do was take that first little step. That one was
the hardest, well maybe not the hardest, but the second hardest.
Ask... Just ask. Do you want to go out? Dinner and a movie? You know a
date? You and me on a date... Actually, the most likely result was she
would laugh her head off at him, think he was sick or... pity him. He hoped
she wouldn't pity him. That would hurt. So would the others, but not as
much. At least if she laughed at him, it would be good for her. She
needed to laugh more often anyway. And it wasn't like he hadn't
been laughed at before. Rollie was pretty sure he could handle the laughter.
Rollie thought about it some more and trembled. Okay, he would
ask... But when? Tomorrow? Or was that too early? Next day off was a week
from now... Or would waiting make it too late? Most women seemed to hate
being asked at the last minute and Rollie was afraid if he waited too
long he wouldn't go through with it... No, it was better if he asked tomorrow.
If she said yes, it would give him time to make reservations some place
really nice. If she said no, well, he would pretend he was joking and try
to keep his heart together and her from guessing the truth. First
chance, Rollie got, he would ask her to go out. He just hoped his
courage held out. One way or the other, Rollie intended to find out if
he stood a chance with her - tomorrow. Then, Rollie Tyler would
know, if his heart saw the truth clearly.
The answers will be found in "Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady".