Why Can't I Have my Own Episode????

Written by Cory from an interview with Tyler F/X's unsung hero.

    Can't you just imagine it?
    I mean, here I am.  I work for Rollie on some movies, whenever he needs me.  I carry equipment around, and do all the jobs he and Angie don't feel like doing.
    My name is Eldon.  And I deserved my own episode.
    I mean, look at me.  I'm just as much a sex symbol as Mister Aussie-boy.  The fans just love me.  Why couldn't I sleep with Angie?  I tried to change their minds, but they spouted some crap about how the sexual tension between Rollie and Angie should be explored.
    Oh, puh-lease!!!
   Don't they realize the ratings they could get?  I envision it now.  The opening credits roll, and then, as they play the first act, you see the title:
    "Eldon's World".
    I had it all planned out.  It could be your usual day in the life of type show.  But hey, with Rollie there, a day in my life isn't a typical day.
    But noooo.  Studio heads told me "That's not what F/X is about!"  Well, why not?  I mean, why not have an episode where Tyler doesn't obliterate a building in a gigantic fireball -- which not only blows up the building but also blows up the budget.  They spend over one million freakin' smackaroos on every episode.  They could have saved so much money on me.  I don't demand much.  I mean, sure, a condo and a ferrari may seem like a lot to you average citizens, but when you're in show business hey, that's just chicken feed.
    So, anyway, they wouldn't give me my own episode.  So I said, fine.  Give me bigger parts.  And they still didn't.  Finally, I went into Rysher offices one day and screamed I'd do anything ... anything for more screen time.  I almost offered to step in for the trumpet player in the opening credits (you know -- doo doo doo doo dooooooo!!!!) but then I realized -- I don't play the trumpet.  And you never see that guy anyway.  I mean, how wrong is that?  Music is art.  An artiste should be credited for his work.  But you never see his name in the titles, do you?  At least I get my name in (though it's really small and at the end of the show when no one cares anyway).  Makes you feel sorry for him.  But I digress.
    So Rysher didn't even want to give me too much more screen time.  So at least, I said -- at least give me a last name!!!!  Like, look at me!  I'm ... Eldon.  Everyone in this freakin' world has a last name but me!  I'm -- Eldon.  Plain old, same old -- Eldon.  How about this.  Eldon DiCaprio.  Sound good?  I think it has a nice ring to it.  Why couldn't I be Eldon DiCaprio?  I mean, I'm just as sexy as that Leon-dude there.  I could be his twin brother.
    And talking about big movie stars, how come Tyler never works with any?  He's always on those second-rate, B-movie horrors and action adventure flics.  Note to writers:  Give the guy a break, eh?  Give him a BIG movie.  Like the new Star Wars trilogy.  They could use him.  I mean, he may not be as good as Lucasfilm, but hey, he's cheap!
    And where does he get all this money to help Palmira?  I mean, every single episode he's off helping her, and he just gets "Thanks" for every job he does.  Can't the police spare something for the guy?
    Hey, there's an idea.  Mira's divorced -- she and Michael broke up.  She's a very attractive leading lady.  What do you think?  Do you think she'll go for me?
< The author does not comment. >
   Well, I guess I'd better wrap this up.  It's too bad Rysher screwed F/X, but there's always hope we'll see a movie or something like that, huh?  I'll just have to convince them to give me a big part.
< Rollie's voice wafts through the doorway: "Eldon!!!!!!!!" >
   Oops, gotta go.  Mr. Boss needs me to lug something around for him.  God, can't that guy do anything for himself?
    Well, it was nice talkin' to ya.  And if you know anybody in the TV business, let them know I'm always available to be a celebrity guest star, huh?
< The author rolls his eyes as Eldon strides out of the trailer.  It was an -- interesting -- interview. >